my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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