this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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