Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
