Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
