she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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