Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
