I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
