i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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