I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We need to get me chipped asap
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
