Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
