my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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