I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
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I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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