Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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