So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
