oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
im six kinds of drunk right now
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
