Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
