I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
