Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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