there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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