Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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