Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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