So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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