I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
