True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
