Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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