You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
