Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
