i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
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im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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