...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
