Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
