I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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