what day is it and did you see me today?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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