I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
