two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
