I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
this will be a night to untag.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
