If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
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Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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