Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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