My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
