I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he fucked my hip out of place.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
