I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
this beer tastes like vomit already
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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