He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
