the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
