The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
