Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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