just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
