I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
did i just pee glitter
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
