perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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