We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
