Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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