My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
