I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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