Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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