Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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