textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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