Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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