So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
