omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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