Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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