I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
